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5 Weeks to go with Honeydew baby!

5 weeks to go and he's the size of a honeydew melon. 5 WEEKS TO GO.....excuse me while I have an anxiety attack. When I tell you we have nothing prepared; his bedroom is full of gift bags and boxes askew in the room with the door closed. So needless to say, we are slightly under prepared.

Here's something fun, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, so I am poking my fingers 4 times a day and trying to keep my sugar levels at bay by controlling my diet. My husband and I are so very thankful that this pregnancy has gone so smooth, and I know that things could absolutely be worse, but this is a tough one. As someone who has a past with restrictive eating, restricting my diet and denying myself of eating of whatever my body wants to, is getting to me mentally more than I thought it would. Not only that, but the risks in the pregnancy once diagnosed are also tough to swallow. And with those risks could come early delivery, which brings me back to my original point, I AM NOT READY!

Now when I say, "I am not ready", I mean his room, his stuff, our house is not ready. Physically, however, boy get out! I feel larger than life, and not in a Backstreet Boys way. I don't fit in any of my clothes anymore, and I am not normally a dress girly but honestly, dresses are all that fit me right now. Things that you might not think about before getting pregnant: putting your shoes on. The whole process of putting on shoes is torturous; the belly is in the way! Also, wearing the shoes all day is the most uncomfortable thing ever. Especially working in the industry that I do; I came to the point of buying almost $200 nonslip Hokas in an attempt to be slightly comfortable. And the SWELLING! It is offensive how large the lower half of my legs are, yes, the lower HALF! Calves, ankles, and feet! Forget cankles, my ankles are bigger than my calves some days. Don't even get me started on the pelvis pain, rolling over in bed takes like 5 whole minutes! Forget about sleeping. With the heartburn and hip and back pain, I have to sit up to sleep or the heartburn will literally cause me to puke. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing has worked, and I hate it lol. So, while I say we are not ready, I am very much physically ready to no longer have all these ailments, but still, they are worth it to grow this baby in my body.

I think something that we hear about in pregnancy is the hormones and the mood swings, but nobody really warns you what that feels like, or even what it makes you afraid of. Post partum depression. That lingers in my head as someone who has had very heavy bouts of sadness. So, when I feel myself becoming sad or I catch myself crying or feeling lonely, or when my husband is confused and seeming annoyed and asking me what is wrong, I become even more self-conscious because I know that these feelings aren't real. But I also can't stop feeling them. That happened today, where my husband's tone came across as annoyed with me more than once. He just simply asked if I wanted to make my salad for dinner or if he should finish it, and I absolutely broke down because I thought he was upset with me, but really, he just wanted to prep the dressing if he needed to lol. Or when it seems like to me that he shows less sympathy than usual when I complain about my ailments, I just can't control my thoughts and I tear up. How ridiculous right? But when these things happen, I can't help but feel mentally broken down and exhausted, and alone. With all of that being said, I am prepared for post-partum, my husband is also aware, maybe more than I am. So, I am worried, but not defeated and I know that we will get through that together.

Sorry for the venting session but sometimes you just need to let it all out, ya know? I don't know if anyone even reads this, but if there's any advice on the things I mentioned today, help your girl out! There are so many tips and tricks out there, but I need things that work. And if anyone can tell me how to control the debilitating heartburn, that will be most appreciated!

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